Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
