Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
