Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
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He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
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It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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