First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
