I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
sarcasm needs its own font
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
