38 yer olds are good kisserssss
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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