I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
