You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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