Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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