The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
