Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
