They should really pass out barf bags in church
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
