can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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