omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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