she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Two words: blizzard sex
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
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