woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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