It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
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i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
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I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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