you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
