At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
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The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
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You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
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