Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
