Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
