I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
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Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
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He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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