you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
