He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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