i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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