There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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