why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
