Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
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