Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
