He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Randomize
