She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
