Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
fuck your aforementioned shoe
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I wish there were birth control emojis
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
