The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Randomize
