i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
