your room smells of hookers.
And success
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
