i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
