Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
