dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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