I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize