I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
