apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
