he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
He called his prostate his "boner button".
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
