mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i would punch a child for taco bell
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Randomize
