You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
