I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
