just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
