I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
sex in a hospital.. check
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
