I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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