I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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