and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
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