drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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