the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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