So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
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