watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
