FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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